This is what the Summer of 2014 looks like for me… 97 degree heat (that’s 36 Celsius for my my Canadian friends and family), iced coffee, tank tops and running errands in my little yellow VW Bug.
But there is a lot more to this summer than what meets the eye…
Its been a time of endurance. A time of allowing some things to bend for fear of my whole self breaking. A time of silence because its already all been said and if I have to talk about it all one more time you won’t like what I have to say.
I am struggling.
The walls that surround me call someone else their master, though the bill still comes to me. They laugh from their vaulted ceilings at me, chiding me… “Remember when you thought this was your dream home?” And they’re right. I used to feel safe here. I used to find sanctuary in this space. But now I try to take up as little room as possible. I’ve cocooned myself into my corner and await the release.
I hope its coming soon… it feels like it might be. There have been shifts and movements and someone else’s “dreams come true…” and I desperately hope things will fall into place and I will get some peace.
This year has eaten me alive…from the inside out. I have struggled to maintain my composure and to remain kind. I have always tried to do the kind thing. Its in my nature, and I like that part of myself. But what if it runs out? What if I’ve used a life’s worth of kindness on one situation? It feels like the tank is running dry.
Today was for reflection. I know that living in the past encourages depression and that worrying about the future causes anxiety. And there is no reward for worry.
So today I enjoyed my work day, took time to take a picture on purpose and took a moment to reflect on life right now. What it is today. Today I feel lost…and that’s okay. Lost means I’m still alive. Lost means I still feel.
Lost means I can be found again.